You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
