I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
