I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I didn't notice because vodka
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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