So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
