I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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