Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
