Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
