Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she smelled like a LAN party
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
