I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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