And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
