I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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