Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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