A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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