You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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