My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
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