he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
