I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
