you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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