You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
