he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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