the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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