then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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