trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
