He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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