I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
