fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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