How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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