My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
worst night to have a conscience
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
