if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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