oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
