Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
