I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
