i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
