my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
