i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
