I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
