Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
