I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
