Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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