living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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