my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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