3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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