So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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