Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
