I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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