The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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