Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
