Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
