My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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