So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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