True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
