fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
