Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
