Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
