I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
