Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
