dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
